We just happened to be in what is euphemistically known as the “feminine hygiene” aisle. What that really means is, if you’ve just gotten a visit from “Aunt Flo”, or it stings when you pee, or your lady parts are itching like you sat on a hill of Fire Ants, then this is the aisle for you.
My Mother knows (at least I think she remembers) that I’ve had a hysterectomy, so when she gestured with a smile toward all the pads on the shelves and asked “Need some Kotex?” I replied with a chuckle and said “No, thanks. Don’t have the equipment anymore.”
What I didn’t say was that I’ve merely traded one curse for another. Monthly periods for stress incontinence. I don’t know why they say “stress” because it usually happens when you’re enjoying yourself (like having a good laugh) or it sneaks up on you without any advanced warning at all.
The only stress involved is when you know you’ve just peed your pants.
Why is life like that? You suffer through adolescent acne and about the time that clears up, you discover the crows have been walking all over you at night and left their prints embedded in that “delicate skin around the eyes”, like that frickin’ Andi McDowell tells us in those annoying commercials.
You endure 35 or 40 years of having a period every month, complete with cramps, bloating and the desire to rip the heart out of the next person who says you’re being too emotional, and then, oh happy day, it stops.
You no longer have to wear the “back-up” pads that are necessary because the tampon industry, in their desire to protect us from Toxic Shock Syndrome, retooled all the tampons so now they’re about as absorbent as a chiffon scarf.
All of the joy of finally being free lasts but a nanosecond in time, because it is soon replaced by the need to wear Poise pads EVERY DAY to prevent those “little accidents” caused by a weak sphincter which, up to now, hasn’t given you any problems since the day you were successfully potty trained.
Sheesh.
Apparently, my Mother doesn’t share this condition with me. I have never seen her put any of these products in her shopping cart. Plenty of wine, bacon and Snickers bars, but no incontinence pads.
It seems that stress incontinence can be caused by injury to the pelvic floor during childbirth. My Mother has always said that giving birth to me and my older brother was “like falling off a log” because we were only 6 lbs. 6 oz. and 5 lbs. 11 oz., respectively.
When I had my kids, it was like giving birth to a log—twice. And both of those logs weighed nearly 9 lbs. and one was in bass-ackwards to boot.
I’m surprised I still have a bladder.
So I dedicate this ATC in honor of Andi McDowell and all of the ladies who wish to regain their youthful looks (and sphincters.)
If sex education included aftermath information like this--stretch marks, saggy boobs, stress incontinence, weak stomach muscles, varicose veins, and wider hips-- abstinence might make a little headway.
ReplyDeleteI say that Ima June and Sally should team up on a sex education textbook, which we should market aggressively to the schools in Texas, where there is an obvious national need for reproductive restraint. (I'm sorry to rag on your state, so to speak, Ima June. You know that if we can't pick on our own and each other's states, then Lindsay Graham will wind up speaking for all of us :~)
ReplyDeletep.s. I love your ATC's so much! Please, please, please would you do us up one as an alternative header for HT? A girl hates to wear the same dress every dang day!
I saw a "Roseanne" episode the other night where Jackie is giving 16 year-old Becky advice on the benefits of using a condom/sponge combo while Roseanne (who wants Becky to wait to have sex) looks on.
ReplyDeleteAfter Jackie's thoroughly clinical explanation, Becky remarks "Gee, doesn't that kind of kill the mood?"
To which Roseanne wryly interjects "Not as much as a screamin' baby with a loaded diaper."
Ha! Love it...
I am breathless after reading this post. I haven't merely laughed out loud, I've howled. I totally empathize. My female trouble is that at age 55, I've started having a heavy duty monthly faux period again. MInd you, my doctor and I had both concluded that I was menopausal after 20 months with no sign of my monthly friend! I've had pelvic MRIs, a D&C and the conclusion is no malignancy (whew!) but I do have dried up fibroids and several polyps that are evidently the culprits when it comes to the monthly bleeding. Btw, I totally agree with your assessment of the tampons! My gynecologist is trying to avoid surgery and we are looking at other options, but I am too old to be having periods again! I always have the urge to explain to the 20-something behind the checkout counter why I'm buying pads and tampons at my age!
ReplyDeleteHenny Red, my deepest sympathies! Fibroids were the culprits resulting in my hysterectomy 13 years ago. My HMO wouldn't do anything about my bleeding to death every month until I came within a hematocrit point of needing a blood transfusion. That made them sit up and take notice! I went for almost 10 years with increasingly heavy periods that way.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have to use the Poise pads now for a different "leakage," it's still better than what I dealt with before. I told my gynecologist I was going to celebrate my hysterectomy by having a tampon burning party.
And don't worry about that 20-something behind the counter. Her day is coming. Ha!