Paranoia In The P.U.

I've taken to counting on my recumbent exercycle/TV news sessions at the gym for blog inspiration, which sounds lame now that I've said it out loud--kind of old womanish, kind of like somebody who doesn't get out much. Both true. Yesterday was looking like a bust for inspiration, a slow news Saturday, so my muse was taking a snooze. Until the man on the adjoining bike opened the door for me to a wormhole that links to the Parallel Universe.

Quick and dirty Jack Webb-style backstory:  Man older than me (I hope!), Dr. Koop beard, khakis and suede slip-ons (at the gym?). Cleverly disguised as a college professor, but wrong context. Fishy. Asked him if I could change channel from belly dancers to CNN (considering the location, it seemed safer than asking for MSNBC). He agreed, saying his source was usually FOX, but he didn't mind checking out leftist propaganda. Said he thinks everybody should open their mind to opposing viewpoints. Ignored him. We finished up about the same time and he started talking. Hate that.

I must say, I've heard that opening-the-mind thing often lately...good for the brain, keeps you young, sickeningly virtuous, all the stuff I aspire to...so I was thinking about trying it out as I watched the screen, searching for some gold-plated leftist propaganda to start from. Those guys on CNN are good; I couldn't spot a single obvious piece of leftward slant. But I wouldn't, of course, because that's how good they are and how blind to reality they've made poor, stupid chumps like me.

Spitting image of Exercycle Man

So, Dr. Koop assumes correctly that I don't watch the O'Reilly Factor, sez he's got a scoop for me, just the facts, and I could say I'd heard it from him first: Hillary Clinton is just waiting for Obama to show some weakness, a little blood in the water, and she'll turn in on him like a shark. That's the obvious plan she and Bill have. She'll run against Obama in 2012 and it's going to be ugly. "Just look at the way Bill's been disagreeing publicly with Obama and Hillary has gone suddenly quiet. They're moving in for the kill. And that whole big wedding, where she looks so nice and friendly? Don't let her fool you. The Democrats want to put her up against Sarah Palin, but Obama won't be willing to step aside, so they'll just let her rip him to shreds. You watch. I guarantee it." I felt like Jodi Foster in "Contact."

Me, with a big grin: "Thanks for the tip! I can't wait to put that up on my blog. I'll be famous!"

Okay, I was having him on, as they say in Great Britain, sending him up, which wasn't nice and was more fun than I've had all week. Who doesn't want to be the first to announce proof that the oft-theorized Parallel Universe, where everything is just like here but the opposite, really exists and rides the adjoining exercycle at a little gym on a defunct Air Force Base in Myrtle Beach?  Besides, he wasn't from this planet, so I threw away the Emily Post and enjoyed myself.

I've read the Hillary for Defense Secretary rumors and the Hillary For Vice President rumors. I'd even read the UKTelegraph piece speculating that Obama really doesn't want a second term; apparently he wants to be Planetary Potentate of the Post-American World. But the notion of Hill and Barack battling it out for CinC with the Democratic Party backing Hillary is actually news to me. I miss a lot. So, naturally, I looked it up online. Dangerous fun, Dear Reader.

I found nothing I would call a credible source. I found some video clips of Bill O'Reilly predicting back in July that there would be Armageddon in the Democratic party in December. But Google News produced some tidbits that could only be messages from the P.U.

From John Schlimm, a beer-empire inheritor and author of  beer-based cookbooks, we have the theory that the Hill For Veep idea is just a smokescreen from the Obama White House to try to contain viral rumors of a Presidential challenger.

I’ve always been convinced that Hillary Clinton would find her way back to the Oval Office one way or another.

Therefore, the recently reignited chatter about her being considered as President Obama's 2012 running mate is the most exciting news I’ve heard since…well, since the news broke that Levi Johnston is running for Mayor of Wasilla.

BUT, hold on just a minute, because it gets way better: Even more titillating than these two juicy nuggets is the less-reported Washington insider buzz that Hillary is actually…drum roll, please…plotting to run against President Obama for the Democratic nomination in 2012.

WOWSA!

Did someone say, “DRAAAAMA!”  (Now you’re speakin’ my language.)

My, my, my, which delicious Hillary rumor to devour first?  Dare I be so gluttonous?

Consider how she graciously conceded to Obama after what was anything but a tiptoe-through-the-tulips race for the nomination, and then publicly supported him with unbridled enthusiasm and smiles (What a good sport she is!  No sore loser here! WINK-WINK).

Next, Hillary surprisingly accepted the position of Secretary of State, essentially getting in bed with the enemy (Translation: All to gain unprecedented access to the new administration and the world – literally).  She then spent the last two years crisscrossing the globe as our top diplomat, gaining critical acclaim and even more followers from abroad and at home – all on Obama's dime.

Aaaaand, was it mere coincidence that the Clintons recently hosted THE Wedding of the Year, making the world collectively go “Ahhhhhh”?  Cue the wedding photo, showing them ensconced in that rarified Kennedy-esque glow. 

 Righty-o. Mr. Schlimms latest scholarly tome is entitled, "Harrah's Entertainment Presents...The Seven Stars Cookbook." 

And, in a piece that insults every ethnic group and social subculture that has ever been ignored or maligned, Susan Dale, on her Guns & Patriots blog for Human Events ("Leading Conservative Media Since 1944"), in an article named "Hillary Clinton Proclaims: I Will Be The First Black Female President,"...

The person the mainstream media has decided is the savior, or is that saviourette, or perhaps saviourelle, maybe saviourix, of the Democratic Party is…Hillary Clinton?

This is total desperation on the part of the left.  Isn’t there anyone remaining in their ranks who is younger than Methuselah, who has only one chin and weighs less than 200 pounds?  Nobody likes, wants or knows what to do with old women or fat children.  Ergo, how must an old fat woman rate?

Nonetheless, it is sad, but true, but that as a woman, if you look like Hillary, and will do so even more by the time she would run again, to appeal enough to the electorate to win the election on the part of said woman would be…er...challenging. Except, of course, for other old fat women.  Aging hippies, they are often charitably called.

Is another of her problem her voice?   (terrifying)  Is it her accent?  (auditorily vexatious)   Is it her laugh?  (horrifying)  Is it her bad grammar?  (seemingly irreversible)  Is it her being a natural hater? (bitter and hateful)  Is it still her unfortunate appearance?  (God love her, she can’t do any more than she’s done)  Is it her constantly saying ‘ya know?’  (worthy of capital punishment, as far as I’m concerned)

She will never be anointed the first black woman President. She will, however, have to deal with the newly awakened American people.  Americans now know what the left is capable of, which is the destruction of their country.

Gosh, I thought it was Sarah Palin who always said, "Ya know?," but that's just how it looks on this side of the wormhole.

Are you thinking that I picked out the dumbest, least known, least listened-to pundits in the Parallel Universe? I would have thought so, too. Susan Dale's site features ads for semi-automatic pistols and one of those Facebook widgets that shows how many people Like the Guns & Patriots blog.

36,812 people have bothered to hit that little thumbs-up button. That seems like a lot more folks willing to go public with their imbecility than I would have expected. Except in the P.U.