Thank goodness blogs don't require regular feeding/watering/exercise, or this little site of mine would be flickering dimly away to nothing. On Monday I was - or thought I was - all ready to scribble out a week's worth of witty posts, but then I got the sad news of a cousin's passing, and took a little perspective break for the rest of the week. You could say I've sort of had to pull over to the side of the information superhighway here, stop for a while, and look at just where the heck I'm headed, literally and philosophically. (But don't give me a GPS to tell me where to go - I want to map out my own route, and pretend I know where I'm going ahead of time!)Sometimes I feel like I'm navigating one of those notorious roundabouts they have in New England, where a moment's indecision or uncertainty results in a missed turn and damns me to drive around again to get it right. If I'm lucky, I only need to go around a second time to get headed where I want - or need - to go. I get annoyed at myself for screwing up, but as long as I have enough gas and plenty of time to reach my destination, driving in circles and taking the scenic route is really no big deal in the grand scheme of things.
As time goes on, though, it seems more important to get things right, to not take any wrong turns enroute to doing and being what I have to do and be. My cousin's cancers manifested themselves suddenly, and he became so ill, so quickly, it was shocking. Until a few months ago there wasn't any reason to think he didn't have time to take his time getting wherever it was he was going. Isn't that what we all believe?
Leaving work yesterday, I heard someone singing that gawdawful Garth Brooks song, "If Tomorrow Never Comes," and in spite of my dislike for that kind of schmalz, I thought maybe the cosmos decided to put the song on my playlist to remind me that any one of us, at any time, could run out of tomorrows. I am beginning to feel a sense of urgency, not to cross things off my ever-growing To Do list, but to make sure that I have prioritized it, to make sure I do the important things. Yet while I struggle to keep friendships and relationships in good working order, I have to get my taxes done, pack for a conference, write a paper, and yes, even schedule a long-overdue physical for my own self, even though the thought that something more malignant than my hatred for Fox News could be manifesting itself makes me hyperventilate....
Not that I feel bad, mind you. Except for having "If Tomorrow Never Comes" stuck in my head now, I think I'm probably doing just fine. And if this post has put that tune in your heads now, I do sincerely apologize, and offer this antidote:
Now go blow your nose and tell someone you love them.
Beautiful debut! That music video creates a lump in my throat.
ReplyDelete"As time goes on, though, it seems more important to get things right, to not take any wrong turns enroute to doing and being what I have to do and be." On this part, though, I've been known to choke up entirely, meaning that I get frozen and stuck trying to avoid those wrong turns. Then I don't do taxes OR the good stuff, either.
Life sure is tricky.
I'm a lover of schmaltzy songs so I don't mind Garth Brooks running through my head but I do thank you for the Nina Simone to lighten the mood, although here rendition of Here Comes th Sun has its own bittersweet quality about it.
ReplyDeleteI attended the funeral of a favorite aunt yesterday so your post is particularly poignant to me. I try to remind myself often that this life is not a dress rehearsal, so living it well is the best gift we can give to ourselves and those we love.
Loulou, I'm pretty sure that try as I might to get things right, there will inevitably be detours and wrong turns...but I think those are learning experiences, too, as long as I don't get completely lost :-)
ReplyDeleteSheria, I'm glad you liked the video. It is different than the "classic" and that's it's appeal for me.
I am sorry for your loss, too - I'll tell you, one of the hardest things about getting older is reconciling myself to losing more loved ones. I never take anyone for granted anymore!
Layla,
ReplyDelete"I'll never take anyone for granted anymore!" And what a HUGE lesson that is...maybe one of the Top Three, but that's another blog post.
Sheria,
I'm sorry, dear. I hope it was a bang-up Southern funeral with good music and hats and funny children trying to be serious, cleansing tears, amusing anecdotes and hugs all over the place.
Layla,
When my Dad was living alone at 80, after my mother died, he'd report about one funeral a week to me, seemed like. I worried about that. My parents had lived all their lives in Greensboro and worked with, or gone to church with, or played baseball with, or quilted with, or...98% of the whole town. There were a lot more funerals to come.
I finally asked him straight out, "Dad, are you troubled and sad to go to so many funerals?" And he answered, "Nope. That's where you get to see everybody."
Funerals had become his social connection, his and all his cohorts' social network, Facebook for the Greatest Generation. There were comfortably reliable "rules" and the inevitable thrills of surprise, good music, funny children trying to be serious, amusing anecdotes, and...sometimes, a gathering afterward for home-cooked Southern food. As with everything else in his exemplary life, he moved with it gracefully.
May I hurry up and learn to do the same, even if I never manage to score one thing on my Bucket List.